Suicidal Ideations

A Mental chemical Imbalance, a Loss, Too many Losses at once, Poverty,  This Very hard Mario Brothers Video Game, we call Life, gets Complicated, Because our emotions are running things, then theres Past Trauma that Haunts us, and our ability to cope with all of thee things dwindles away,

The next thing we know, we're coming up with "Ideas" that pull us down without our permission, a strong pull towards dispair and wanting to Quit everything and be gone with this Planet. 

Especially when you feel like you're experiencing the same thing over and over again, and it a lot!

Its a lot when you fell in love with someone, and over time you realize that the person you chose isn't who you thought they were, and as a result, you keep Breaking up and going back. Suffering the consequences of your Dysfunctional upbringing, and you wish you were "Adopted' in to another Family because you felt unloved by both of your Parents and Siblings. 

Having survived several Abusive relationships with people who were wrong from the very beginning, I realized that I developed a pattern of "Choosing" the wrong men, over and over again, instead of staying to myself and being with me. 

But see, Heres the part where the Ideations begin.. When you think youre a absolute failure, when you cant think of anything good about Life, stuck in a Spiral of Negative thoughts and feeling that make you feel like you were never Born into this complicated Planet. 

My Ideations, They tell me things with Heavy Emotions attatched to them, that keep me there, and having me feel like Life is not worth Living, and if I agree, I succomb to the Helplessness of my situation, how I've been taken advantage of and left to the rest of the World Broken and hurt and Using Substances to cope with the misery that I've Survived. 

Its like I'm Shell shocked, and I dont know where to go and what to do Living in Poverty, and having to do things that I regret doing, just to feed my Family. 

Having Survived, being Kidnappped and Tortured in front of my Kids.. I never really came back from thar, and the Sorrow that I feel about myself continues to drown me in Dispair.. 

I always ask myself, when does it all END!  This Whole Game!

My Past is gone and the Present is another worry to have for no Reason. Why?? I ask, Why do I have to feel this way? Do I have any other Options, what the hell happened to my hopes and Dreams!

Cant I just come up with a Better IDEA? Whats my Purpose in Life, Why was I put here, What was I put here to do again?

Sometimes we forget why were put here, or we just dont care anymore, because of our defects of Character seemingly taking over and making us feel like we dont belong anywhere!

Its a Frustrating experience when you dont know where you're going, because of Trauma, or inability to Bounce Back from other Trauma that you experience. 

Where do you go from here? What happens when you feel like you're going in Circles, and whenever you try to go another way, you end up in the same Exact place? 

Why am I so Angry all the damn time, why am I so Sad and Disappointed all the damned time!

I had to Accpet the Fact that I will never be the Same after all of my success, Durand comes through and thats a good feeling, but it doesnt last, because I have to face the Same Facts, and it feels like I'm Suffering endlessly, Worried about today and Worried about tomorrow, worried about Starving.. Worried about getting sick, and I'm breaking down.. 

I wake up and feel good, Next thing you know, I'm suffering again.

Like I've been Tortured so long that living is a Pain in the Ass.. 

I dont wanna meet New People, and that's been somthing I've been suffering through for years!!

You know what makes Life even more Sucky? Not having the Willpower to change my Behaviors that make me feel like I'm actually doing something New, Because that take Energy to do and I feel like a piece of shit most of the time when I'm on thee Meds, becuase its not me and I'm tired of not being myself. 

I'm sick of everything and Drinking doesnt help Smoking doesnt make it go away, its like a Walking, Talking, Feeling, Dreaming, Tasting, Smelling, Fucked up Dream!

I did a lot of Damage, to my Brain, from trying to Excape my Memories of the Past, and this World in Itself, the Face that I'm not Working and I'm at home in my Overcrowded Apartment and I say to myslef... Well People have more Problems... but I'm like they dont have MY fucked up feelings, all the time.. I mean Wheres the Self Love? It's Somewhere, cant I just conjure up Love for myself?

Maybe? How? Uh fill in the Blanks Billi? Okay!

So for those who are lost, there is a place for hope, you have to take yourself out of your mind and create a place, that you haven't been before in your head, create your mind Space to be an Adventure. Once Moment at a time, and you will re-write your own Story!

Manipulative Deal Breakers, and why Long it took me to give up on my Co-Dependent Relationship.

I Didn't Realize I was Being Co-Dependent.

Watching  YouTube Videos on Toxic Relationships, YouTube actually Saved me from continuing on in a Co_Dependent Toxic Relationship. 

I was Dating someone who would never take the Blame for any kind of Mistake made, 

I was angry, Broke up with him.. He's 45 and I'm 38.. 

I think I broke up with him throughout the Month at least 5 times from his Toxic Behavior, Stemming from several insecurities that he had, and they seemed to be piling up with everything that went wrong..  I felt like we weren't' really growing anywhere Real when it came to respect. 

How he had emotionally Lashed out on me every time he felt the need as if it was the Norm.. 

I already have a History of Abusive type relationships throughout my Life, That should have been the Red Flag Warning that almost every other Guy that I've Dated had a Simular Personality Trait that was somewhat abusive, and this was a result from a Dysfunctional upbringing.

 My Dad and My Mom separated when I was 5, I knew that my life wasn't going to be the Same.. My Dad wasn't the Best of Partners.. My Dad Argued a lot.. 

and So did the Guy I was Dating, He somehow lost his temper whenever there was something going wrong with him, and he made it so that he Coul not' be corrected in any way..

That was the Deal Breaker, Especially when I read the Book "Deal Breakers" and my Ex fell under the Category as the Man without Fault, This Book really gave me the Right in Depth insight on what type of Character I was REally Dealing with! 

The Whole list was Checked off, and there were some very real Moments I had to Internalize because it was Me who was being treated Badly.. I had to really Check myself, My self Esteem Levels had Plummeted somewhere, and I ran into this Guy who Sells Papers, I had every Warning in the World that he was too Insecure for me. 

Low and Behold the Year didn't' even Start Right for us Last Year, and he pretty Much Screwed up Valentines Day because I didn't' Spent the night with him. 

I made the Mistake of making him a Lover when in Fact, He should've just Stayed a friend.

What IS the Sixth Sense?

The Sixth Sense is the awareness of other living Life Forms, not Dead. 

Here is the big question again. 

Have you ever felt something, or was aware of something....a moment later.. just that moment, you

looked at the EXACT direction where someone was looking directly at you..

Realize that there is more in your power than what was felt, we obtain more power than what can be taught but experienced in a Universe full of Energy. 

Here is my other question... 

So if you can feel someone staring, what energy are we giving out through our eyes? 

It's been told that the eyes are a doorway to our Soul.. 

So what type of Magnetic Energy does the Soul conceive?